OC Music Magazine

Ryan G. Van Cleave

Everyone who bothers to show up for an audition wants the gig; that's a given.  So how do you stand out from the other five, twenty-five, or fifty people who are all dying for the same job?  Thank God we have "American Idol" -- just watching these folks suffer through their own amazing blunders is all the education you need to know what NOT to do.  (Note: I'm talking about Top 12/13 folks, here.  Otherwise it's just easy pickings.)

Blunder #1: Know your music.  If there's one cardinal rule it's this one; despite what Season 7's Brooke White pulled on the judges and millions of Americans last year: "I'm sorry," she said, asking for a "Do Over" while trying to put her own spin on Andrew Lloyd Weber's "You Must Love Me."  Ouch.  My mother hasn't seen an episode of "American Idol" in her entire life, but even she's heard about that "girl from that show who forgot the music."  That's not a reputation anyone wants.  Even a wholesome cutie-pie like Brooke.

Blunder #2: Avoid the yips.  What are the yips?  In sports, it's the sudden, inexplicable loss of ability to perform.  For musicians, the term might instead be "stage fright" or "choking."  For examples I offer (a) Season 2's Carmen Rasmussen who suddenly lost the ability to sing like a normal human being (and instead wailed like a goat) on "Can't Fight the Moonlight," and (b) Season 5's Kellie Pickler who absolutely massacred ''Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered" and even apologized afterwards by drawling "Ah bootchered it!" followed by assuring America she'd never sing that song again.  We're going to hold you to that, Kellie!

Blunder #3: Personality is fine.  An over-the-top personality?  Not.  This one's pretty self-explanatory.  Positive example: Season 7 winner (kind & humble) David Cook.  Negative example: Amanda Overmyer (Hot Topic rocker) of Season 7.  Positive example: Season 4 winner (good-old fashioned country goodness) Carrie Underwood.  Negative example: Season 8's (I'm all that and a bag of chips!!!!!) Bikini Girl.  It's fine to show the audience a sense of who you are and what your passion is.  The litmus test, though, is if (a) people regularly tell you how annoying you are, (b) you find yourself the punch line to jokes, or (c) you find people ACTUALLY PUNCHING YOU because they can't stand you anymore.

Blunder #4: Talking.  A real pro lets the music do all the talking.  If you have to explain the musical choices you did and what effect they were supposed to have on the audience (so many choices here, but how about Syesha Mercado of Season 8 who explained "I'm like a black Christina Aguilera"), apologize for it (see Kellie Pickler above, and also Season 7's dreadlock-sporting Jason Castro who admitted "it's just getting tough for me.  I think my inexperience is coming in.") or just plain defend yourself (Season 8?s über-queen of the drama Tatiana del Toro, anyone?), you're doing it wrong.  Another current train wreck in the speaking department is current Idol Allison Ireheta who seems incapable of forming complete sentences if she's not singing.  Thankfully she's got some pipes.  Perhaps if she taped herself shut between tunes . . . .

Blunder #5: Pick a song you can handle.  How many times has Simon Cowell given that patented million-dollar smirk, said, "That song was just too big for you, sorry!" and then shrug as if to suggest that the contestant made an idiotic choice that will spell the end of their run on the show?  For "American Idol," that means pretty much any song by Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Aretha Franklin, and (oddly enough) Season 1 winner Kelly Clarkson are off limits.  For regular musicians?  Just be honest with yourself as you're selecting an audition piece; are you playing the right song, meaning one that complements your best attributes versus pointing out your shortcomings?  If you're not certain, get some honest, qualified feedback in advance from other musicians whose opinions you trust.  Or simply select a slightly easier song but knock it out of the freaking ballpark.  That's a ton more memorable (in Randy Jackson's terms, "Dawg, that's the BOMB!  Hot, baby.  HOT!") than doing a "pretty good" job on a really killer piece.

Blunder #6: Confidence.  When I watch "American Idol?" with my friend Rob, a professional trumpet player and high school band director in Atlanta, he can guess (with stunning accuracy) who's going to nail a performance BEFORE they even start.  "You can just tell with most of them.  You see it in their faces, their eyes, the way they move onto the stage."  Try as I might, I can't predict the results the way he can.  Then again, he's a full-time musician and I'm a full-time writer.  I'm guessing that Simon and the others (well, maybe not Paula) have the musical chops to just "read" the contestant the same way.  How rarely do they confess that they're surprised by someone's performance?  Not that often.

Sure, there're a lot of other ways to screw up an audition.  A lot of musicians who actually play well fall prey to one (or more) of the foolish blunders listed above, for whatever reason.  Take what you will from the suggestions above, and keep watching "American Idol" for more tips on what NOT to do.  It's a goldmine.